commeilfault's Xanga

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Wed, 06 May 2009 02:06:42 GMT

there are no words for this feeling. this isn't love - this goes beyond the meaning of that word.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:53:20 GMT

there's nothing i could say to you,
nothing i could do to make you see
what you mean to me

and knowing that just kills me, each time i think of it

despite what promises i made, i'm going to make you happy
at all costs, even if it means hurting myself a little bit inside
i will be and do everything you want and need

i promise

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 04:38:18 GMT

i cannot sleep, will not sleep, dare not sleep
i cannot eat, will not eat, refuse to eat
i can't stop crying, but i haven't tried to stop crying
my heart hurts and i keep thinking it will just stop beating
like her's did only without the help of a drug
some part of me keeps triggering thoughts
that make me think i'm in some sort of a coma or deep sleep
and conjuring up all of this pain and events in my head
but then i look under my bed and she's not there

she's never going to be here again

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:27:09 GMT

if you're not to the point where you consider what I might want at times, if you're not to the point where
my feelings are immediately factored into certain equations, if you're not to the point where
you can't fucking remember me even if i'm NOT there,
either there's something wrong with you or you don't love me like you say you do.
i understand that there's a line between who you are and what is expected of you
but after so long, don't you think that all of the above should be about where you are at this moment?

i do.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 01:21:27 GMT

~~cut cut cut cut~~
stab stab stab stab stab STAB

helloooo break up.
shall we start the suicide process tonight?
depression already prepared me for the kill.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:40:25 GMT

SHOOT ME NOW

"do you think that...two straight people showering together, one single, one with a girlfriend, is cheating?"

"no...not really"

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 06:06:43 GMT

avenged sevenfold is on repeat, all four albums. it's one fifty am and i'm nowhere near tired. a few minutes ago i was, but that was the math homework, dragging down my brain. now, i just smoked three cigarettes in the privacy of my dark room, silent house. i can feel my pulse in my warm, shaking fingertips, can feel the nocotine threatening to take ahold of me again. i'm sick to the stomach, my body is so elated from the forced calm telling me that was too much but not enough. i hope i puke my guts out, tonight, if only to pass the time until morning comes. i've got ideas in my head, waiting to be transferred somewhere more public, more permanent. but i can't bring myself to write them down, type them out.

i've eaten nothing today, save for a waffle this morning at eleven and two chicken mcnuggets. i hope tomorrow will help me keep that low count. i'm back up to 101 but i know i'll bump that number downdowndown with just a bit of work. maybe i should stay in weight training...no. i've got to get out and get into intro to law. i've got to be in his class, i've got to be with him his last year of highschool. it's the only chance i have left.

the only thing i look forward to tomorrow is creative writing.
hmm. maybe i'll go to sleep now, anyways.

yeah.
i will.
it's too early for me to be able to stay up much longer. i'll get what i can get, for now.
but after school, i'm coming straight home and falling asleep.
he can come with and sleep, too, for all i care. but i'm sleeping.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 08:23:53 GMT

her real name was ashley. ashley anne jackson, as named after her deceased grandmother, a family legend. she had dusty brown hair and algae-green eyes. her skin was almost white, so white she almost seemed anemic. her fingers were always raw, with cuts and glossy new skin and her teeth were almost transparent. she was almost petite, and almost five foot, two inches. her thighs almost didn't touch and her stomach was almost completely flat. she was almost perfect.

almost.

\\ \ \i am not ashley

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 05:27:41 GMT

alone, she breaks. her body hits the floor without grace and her limbs are so scarred, they all look the same. she wonders if she'll ever be okay, and says the voices in her head are lying when they tell her it will, because this kind of pain, no, it doesn't go away. she hurts so far inside of her body, she says that it's too deep of an ache to ever fade and that she'll never be okay. secretly, she wishes and she hopes that she never will, because then she could never hurt more than she already does.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 05:11:05 GMT

this isn't my first xanga.
i'll be using this as a secret xanga,
my writing used to portray what i'm feeling
rather than "journal" like posts.
i don't think you'll ever know who i am, in person.
if you somehow already know me,
i would love it if you had the courtesy to let me know,
so i can get rid of this thing.
thanks.